Trying again - on Monday:
While clearing out the loft in the family home, a man finds a rather nice painting and a ratty old violin. Remembering that such things should never be discarded before being valued, he takes them to the local auction house to show an expert.
"Well, this is interesting, sir," says the auctioneer, "what you have here is a Turner and a Stradivarius. Have you heard of either of them?" The man replies, "Very vaguely, the names ring a bell somewhere, why?"
"Well, unfortunately for you, Stradivarius wasn't a very good painter;.. and Turner made rubbish violins."
*
A man takes a large metal box to the Antiques Roadshow and shows it proudly to the resident expert.
The expert lifts the lid and gasps he hasn't seen one like it for some years.
"Where did you get it?" he asks.
"It was in the loft of my house...which is over 150 years old," says the chap.
"Do you have insurance?" asks the expert.
"Why, is it worth something? Will I really need insurance?"
"I'll say," the expert replies. "This is your cold water tank."
*
A man purchases a grandfather clock from an antique store. As he's leaving with it he accidentally walks into a drunk. They both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits. The man says, "Why don't you look where you're going?" The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"
*
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.
"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"
"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.
*
Claire travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains. One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop's owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied Victoria, "but I can't possibly sell you that."
"Oh, what a pity, but why not?" inquired Claire.
"Because," said the owner, "that's my husband."
*
And finally...taken from newspaper classifieds:
"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
"Antique Stripper to Display Wares at Store"
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