A tightwad was convinced by a friend to buy a couple of tickets in the state lottery. But after he won the big prize, he didn't seem happy. "What's wrong?" the friend asked. "You just became a millionaire!"
"I know," he groaned. "But I can't imagine why I bought that second ticket!"
----------------------------------------------------------------
Selling at an action was halted when the auctioneer announced, "Someone in the room has just lost his wallet containing $1,000.
He is offering a reward of $250. for its immediate return." After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, "$255."
---------------------------------------------------------------

"Was Grandpa mad when they went through his luggage at the border?"
"Not in the least. They found his glasses that he'd lost two weeks earlier."

Women can keep a secret every bit as well as men. It just takes more of them to do it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A toast: May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.
---------------------------------------------------------------
First Drunk: "Is that sun setting or is it rising?"
Second Drunk: "I don't know. I don't even live around here."
---------------------------------------------------------------

And did you hear about the lawyer who didn't like what the restaurant offered and asked for a change of menu?
----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: "This hospital is no good. They treat us like dogs."
Orderly: "Mr. Jones,you know that's not true. Now, roll over."
----------------------------------------------------------
"I've finally found a way to get money out of my husband," a
woman told her friend. "We were arguing last night, and I told him I was going home to Mother. He gave me the fare."

Funny as usual, Jabber. Thanks for curating this new crop of jokes.

Patient to Psychiatrist: "Doc, every night I dream about teepees and wigwams. Teepees over here, wigwams over there. What's it mean?
Psychiatrist: It means you're too tense.
-------------------------------------------------------------
"Why do you seem so upset?"
"My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning."
"So what?"
"So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about.'"
-------------------------------------------------------------
An optimist is a fellow who goes shopping for a suit to be buried in and gets one with two pairs of pants.
-------------------------------------------------------------

Great jokes as usual, Jabber. I like the "two tents" one best, I think. But what's the difference between a teepee and a wigwam?

Wigwam has a dome shape. Teepee has a cone shape.

--------------------------------------------------------------

"You ever get stage fright?"
"Not afraid of the stage, personally.
It's the audience that scares me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------

Have an uncle hurt while shopping.
Dumpster lid fell on him!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Got a brother who's a self-made man.
If he had it all to do over again,
he'd call in outside help!

---------------------------------------------------------------

ha ha, good stuff again, Jabber!

"What are you so happy about?" a woman asked the
98-year-old man.
"I broke a mirror," he replied.
"But that means seven years of bad luck."
"I know," he said, beaming. "Isn't it wonderful?"
--------------------------------------------------------
"Say, Bill," a man said to his pal, "how do you like
your new job?
"It's the worst job I ever had."
"How long have you been there?"
"About three months."
"Why don't you quit?"
"No way. This is the first time in 20 years that
I've looked forward to going home."
---------------------------------------------------------
The disgruntled diner summoned his waiter to the table,
complaining, "My oyster stew doesn't have any oysters in it."
"Well, if that bothers you, then you better skip dessert,"
replied the waiter. "It's angel food cake."
----------------------------------------------------------

Definition of a jury: 12 people brought together
to decide which side has the best lawyer.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I want a room for me and my billygoat."
"Billygoat?" You can't bring a goat in here.
What about the smell?"
"Don't worry. He'll get used to it."
------------------------------------------------------------

"I'd like a very special greeting card, expressing
my deepest love, affection, loyalty, and
sincere feelings for a very special young woman."
"How about this one?"
"That's good enough. Gimme a dozen."
-------------------------------------------------------------