I'm so happy for my daughter Jill! ... but now what? ... I'm 61 and dreaming of my golden years ... where I no longer have to work and can go golfing with the hubby every day ... enjoy long walks ... sell the house ... travel ...

But Wait! she's been home now for a few months ... and I just don't know what to do ... she has over $90,000 in debt ... no job ... a wonderful bf ... they want to start a family ... buy a home ... live the American Dream! ... as most of us have ... I'm really struggling with this ... I just don't know what to do ... I want to retire and sell the home (down size) and spend my golden years doing what ever makes me happy ... b/c I've - we - have earned it ... right! ...

I just don't understand how she is going to find a job in the crazy market ... her boy friend(which I love to death) is also struggling to find a job and as crazy as it seems ... he is now thinking of going back to school to get a MBA as well...

I just don't know what to do ... I want my children to have the American Dream just as I have ... but how ... and at what cost...?

I've been forced now not to retire but stay at work ... I'm 61 ... my children are all grown up ... and can't find jobs ... but here I sit and have a great job ... what is going on with the world ...

The majority of us Boomers have lived the Dream! but what about our children's Dreams? I feel so bad for my daughter when she comes home crying after another failed attempt at get a career and life going ... she's so sad and when she mentioned never being able to have a marriage and babies and house and life ... I just don't know ... my heart felt so bad! it was so easy for us and I just cannot take it any more ... what is going on out there!!!

Welcome, B61,

We are delighted that you have found our forum. You will find plenty of interesting women here, and many of them have shared similar stories and are living with similar situations.

It IS tough when your kids boomerang back home. But you don't have to be a doormat, if that is what you feel you are being forced to do. There is no rule that says you MUST keep the family homestead so your children have it to come home to. They can come home to a smaller place in a different location, if they are forced to take refuge with you.

Meanwhile, her tuition debt is hers, and while you can choose to help her pay it off, there is nothing that says you must. If she got the loans through traditional student loan methods, she has plenty of time to pay them off... And I think that if she has no job, the lenders are required to give her time to find one before she has to start paying.

Nor is there any rule that says you have to give up your plans for your retirement. You can still golf, still travel, still quit your job, still sell the house -- if you can find a buyer in today's marketplace.

What you need to do is decide whether or not you DO STILL want to retire now... Many of us boomers are deciding to postpone retirement, due in large part to OUR OWN financial situations, not those of our children.

Perhaps you can set time for a family conference, which would include you, your husband, your daughter -- and even her boyfriend. Use this event to discuss goals and make some plans.

Your daughter and her boyfriend can certainly still get married. Think of it this way: THEN if one of them can get a job with health insurance benefits, that marriage certificate COULD mean that both of them would then be covered. Meanwhile, as the laws currently stand, you can't cover them with your health insurance anyway...

Think back to the stories you have heard about your parents when they were the age of your daughter and potential son-in-law...

For example, during the Depression, many of our parents or grandparents got married AND lived with in-laws to save money. Babies were born then too. And people found ways to manage, live, love and even thrive. The same thing can happen again...

The best thing to do, B61, is calmly assess the situation, develop some JOINT plans for solutions to these various situations, and then take action. Merely standing by and wringing your hands will not solve anything.

I guess I just wonder if there will be an American Dream for them ... or ... in a cense, is the Dream just for us Boomers ... ?

I don't want my daughter to live in a depression nor would I ever discuss the depression with her at this point in her life...that is just not fair for her...spending so much time and money on an education that has supplied her with nothing ... Ah?! ... maybe its time we boomers start thinking about the youth instead of always thinking about "ME" "ME" "ME" ... she's my child and I will do what I must to support her ... kind of a funny thing ... I think in a way we are nuffing out our own children.

when will it be their time?

Just like it was with our parents, their parents, and us, our childrens time will come when it comes. It wasn't easy for any of the past generations either but somehow we all made it. Our children will too so long as they aren't sitting around expecting to be handed their dreams on a silver platter...

And remember what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.

B61,
IMO Anne is right. Step back and take a long, hard look at the options. What can your family do to resolve various negativity. Many college educated people are out of work. So they get creative, finding different avenues to reach goals. Some start a small business. Some invent stuff. Some work outside of their discipline. America is still the greatest country in the world! With that much knowledge to draw on, I'm sure your daughter can find a way to enjoy her American Dreams. Prayers and blessings,

Diane Sawyer is reporting from China this week. She said there
are more people in China who speak English, than there are
actual people living in America. That's mind-blowing!

B61

"I don't want my daughter to live in a depression nor would I ever discuss the depression with her at this point in her life"

I have pondered what you say..as both a parent and as a educator I vere toward the opposite standpoint.Firstly your daughter will pick up from the media and others that the economy is in dire straits..and no matter what discipline is she studied there will have been built in a look at history..even a fashion course will touch on the New Look post WW2..and the ethos.
Secondly ..once our offspring are adults its valuable to have a place they can approach where non judgemental love.. truth and support exists using grown up thinking .whether in job seeking or other life choices.developing a healthy respect on both sides..
protecting a little child is essential but within the safety of the parental home the young adult is robust enough to see the reality of 2010.Encouraging her strengths and what is viable will build her confidence so when a job interview does happen she will project herself well.
wishing your daughter well.

Hi Mountain Ash,

I agree with you. Of course, I think you knew I would.

My children are 32 and 29. Both chose to go into the newspaper business, which has meant that while they are doing a job they love, there have been many financial challenges as well as challenges within -- and because of -- their chosen workplaces.

These latter challenges are not things I can or should help them with. But hopefully through doing a good job raising them to be able to think independently and successfully deal with smaller challenges on their own, I have given them the tools to successfully handle life's larger challenges by themselves.

For example, I trained them both to be self reliant people who could think on their feet and figure out how to solve their own problems, while at the same time knowing that they have unconditional love and support from their parents, which they can call on as needed.

I truly believe that we hamper our children if we give them everything and don't allow them to learn to handle their own challenges. This keeps them from gaining confidence and becoming fully-functioning adults. (And isn't that what our job really is, as parents? Training our children to be capable of successfully handling what life throws at them?)

Here's an example of how this has worked for me:

Our son is a news photographer, and he spent five years in college, then lived with us for a summer after graduation, while he worked a temp job. As anyone knows who has had a child return home after living on his/her own, there are challenges.

But we were happy to help him and he was only there for 3 months.

Then he left us to head to Chicago for a freelance job, and from there was hired full time by the St. Pete Times. On the way down to Florida to start the new job, he decided to follow a hurricane, and got the major news service he was freelancing for to contract with him to shoot those pictures on behalf of People Magazine.

The hurricane was called Katrina and he headed to New Orleans, where he hooked up with a reporter and drove into the city and started shooting images.

His reporter got frightened and left town with their car, so my son ended up sleeping on the streets alone with his cameras for a night, then the next day found another news team that he hooked up with.

It turned out that the team working for People were challenged because there were no working ATMs so they had no money, their cell phones didn't work and they couldn't upload their images and reports to electronically submit them. In fact, People and the news service didn't hear from them for a day or two...

This situation was resolved when my son managed to find a working pay phone, and he used it to call People and request that they fly a plane with CASH and sat phones to the closest working airport. They did.

Then he called me and asked me to figure out how to get him some major antibiotics, as he had been spending those first days wading in water filled with dead bodies, and who knows what else.

I called a dentist client of mine and explained the situation and he called in a prescription to Walgreens in my son's name. We picked Walgreen's because of their network, which meant that he was able to go retrieve at some Walgreen's in the region, which he was able to find open.

I truly believe that my son could not have handled this situation had I not trained him to be self reliant and figure things out for himself.

By the way, he saved a houseful of nuns while he was in NO, shot some fantastic images one of which made the cover of People, and saw things that made seasoned war reporters cry.

It was truly a life-changing experience for him, but I doubt he would have lived through it if I had coddled him all his life, by giving up my own life so that he could live without learning to deal with life on his own terms.

Yes, I did help: I got him a prescription without his having to find an available doctor and an open clinic. The rest, however, he did on his own. And because he did so well, I see that as validation of my success as a parent.

Validation as a sucessful parent.Thats the goal as we nurture year by year.And then payoff..the young birds soar using their own wings.
well done your boy Anne

Thanks, Mountain Ash,

That story is one of my favorites, and here is a link to the photo that made the cover of People: Zach Boyden-Holmes Katrina photo

By the way, I didn't know he had detoured to Katrina until his sister called to tell me. He didn't want me to worry...